Divorce

Growing up in elementary school, there were a lot of kids who'd say their parents were divorced. No one ever asked how they were doing with it or how they were. To me, it just seemed like some normal occurrence so I never wondered. It wasn't until my sad story and this class to realize how truly awful it can be, especially for the children.

I think a big part of me not thinking about it was going to and being surrounded by intact families, including mine at church. And since the church is so family-oriented it's rare to have a single mom or divorced dad. In my ward, I can only think of one family out of my 16 years growing up there where the mom was remarried. I can't imagine how hard and confusing it would have for those kids who were being told every week being told that families are forever. It must have felt like a constant reminder that they were different. The mom must have felt so self-conscious, worried about how the other parents perceived her. I think as members we get stuck in this bubble where we are shielded from reality sometimes. It's important to not leave out people who are different from us. I think we could talk about things like divorce more often, whether or not it applies to anyone. I think there are a lot of members like me who don't realize the difficulties and complicated emotions that come from this.

My sad story started out differently than a divorce as my dad became a widow rather than a divorcee but my family ended up with a lot of the same issues. I had to watch my dad date other women. I was forced to be okay with the fact that he was going to marry and spend more time with someone other than my mom. I now have a stepmom and stepbrothers (it really makes me wish there was some other word without the word "brother" or "mom" in it because I absolutely hate saying "my stepmom" and "my stepbrother"). I have to figure out how to live with these people and share my dad between holidays. I didn't get to choose any of this. A lot of the pain I've felt came from my dad's choices which felt entirely selfish. It made my family of terrible communicators struggle with our relationship with him. I go back and forth between resentment, betrayal, guilt, sorrow, and occasionally sympathy. I don't know how to feel about any of it since there was nothing I could do then and nothing I can do now. 

As we started talking about divorced families I realized those thoughts, feelings, and experiences were not unlike a divorce. Never in a million years would I have thought that would happen but I'm finally recognizing the reality of it. Of course, there are things I can't relate to, or at least not in the same way. I can't say I know what it's like to have to deal with custody rights or feel like I'm choosing sides, even with my siblings. Or how it is having two separate Christmas's with two different stepfamilies. I don't know what it's like to even live with step-siblings since mine (luckily) are older and moved out of the house. I do know that with divorce comes a lot of complicated feelings and heartache. I'm sorry to say it took me all my painful experiences and this class to see that. I gained so much sympathy for the kids that have to go through this.