The Birds & the Bees

When you were growing up was there a thing that the more your parents told you not to do it, the more you wanted to do it just to defy them? For example, when I was babysitting my niece, she kept picking her nose so naturally I would tell her that's yucky and she shouldn't do it but as a two year old who doesn't really give a hoot and thought my reprimand was hilarious, she kept doing it. She probably will keep doing it until she realizes on her own that it really is yucky.

As a member born into the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I feel like that happens sometimes if kids aren't taught about subjects like drinking or sex before marriage. Obviously that's not the only reason why that happens, but it makes sense, doesn't it? All my life I was told sex is for married people and... well, that's it. So when that topic is avoided, kids are going to turn to media, like TV shows and pornography. Because it's such a hush hush topic, it's gonna be exciting to finally get some exposure. Whether or not the depiction is accurate won't really matter because they won't know the difference. It will create unrealistic expectations and maybe even lead to trying it out--all because we don't talk about it. 

And what about boys and girls who are sexually assaulted? The mental effects of it alone are brutal but when you add knowing that being chaste and virtuous is commanded by God and if you brake that commandment you are sinning. I can't even imagine how painful navigating that as a preteen or a teenager alone because you're afraid of what others will say. And that is absolutely a perfectly valid fear. What exactly makes someone tell a victim of a crime say "you were probably asking for it"? I seriously doubt the victim asked anyone to please cause them to be violated in at least 10 different ways and be traumatized for the rest of their life. 

One way I've heard this being explained specifically for people who have sexually assaulted is virginity being described as a beautiful, delicate vase and once it's shattered, there's no way to repair it. But that makes no sense to me! Yes, you've lost a precious, sacred experience and suffered a horrendous one but you are in no way, shape, or form broken (yes, the person wasn't said to be broken, just the vase, but honestly, what's the difference? It still hurts to be told that a part of you is broken). Instead of saying the vase is broken forever, I would say it just got chipped. The Japanese have a concept called Kintsugi--fixing broken china and vases with gold. Instead of hiding the cracks, you embrace them. I've never gone through anything like this but having gone through a different kind of pretty tragic, I've learned a lot and I think that's what those gold lines could show. You are literally shaped by your experiences, after all. 

So, why don't we talk about it? Why don't we encourage curiosity and questions? If marriage is so important, why is it so hard to talk about something so powerful in a relationship and for procreation? I have heard stories of young newlywed stories where neither the husband or wife had any idea how to approach it, or when they did do it, it felt like they were sinning. Not everyone is like this, and have open conversations, and that's great! But in general I feel church members, including me, could improve. A few awkward conversations are worth it so much more than leaving someone to deal with consequences and regret or pain on their own.