Communication

Why is this way more complicated than it seems like it should be? 

When I think about communication I often think about TV shows and movies where something really good/really bad could happen/be prevented if the characters would just talk to each other. It's so frustrating (especially when it's two people who like each other and there's been this tension but neither of them wants to be too forward-- just kiss already!)! I imagine that's kind of like what Heavenly Father observes every day. There is so much miscommunication and noncommunication. I don't know about other people but when I have a problem with someone, I keep it to myself. But I would feel so much better if I just talked about it with that person. They may not even realize what they have done or said to make me feel that way so how can I expect to feel better by not saying anything? When I tell myself it's not a big deal and move on, I may end up consciously or unconsciously slightly resenting that person when another problem with them comes up.

I recently learned just exactly how complicated this can get-- especially when you don't go straight to the problematic person and go to someone else to gossip instead. I think the thing with gossiping is that we tend to get more riled up and upset about something than we actually are, not always but frequently. Yeah, it feels good, but it just makes it that much harder to approach that person because you've got that other person's bias influencing you. If the person you gossip with is someone you love and trust you probably aren't going to ask yourself how much they're embellishing or exaggerating. So by the time you do approach, you'll either not accept what they're saying because of what you've heard or you'll end up feeling really bad because it turned out to be a big misunderstanding and you were slam talking behind their back.

The way to combat this is by creating an environment where we're comfortable talking about this stuff. In class, we talked about these "5 Secrets of Effective Communication" by David Burns and I think when applied they could be extremely helpful. They are:

1. the disarming technique
2. empathy
3. inquiry
4. "I feel" statements
5. stroking 

The disarming technique is finding some sort of truth in what they're saying. It can be hard to admit but I think it does a lot more for you personally than it does for them. Empathy is acknowledging how they feel by trying to imagine being that person and paraphrasing to make sure you understand what they're saying. I think that's the foundation for a lot of problems, not really understanding each other. Inquiry is asking questions to understand better. In the heat of the moment, this is probably something that would be forgotten when you're trying to defend yourself. "I feel" statements are taking responsibility for your feelings and laying it out there to let them know that's how you feel. And stroking is finding something positive even during an argument. It could dissipate some of that heavy tension and not to mention really throw them off.

To practice, you don't need to start an argument. A really good suggestion is to think about a past argument and write down what you think you could have said using these 5 techniques. Whether there's a fight or not over time, you'll start to incorporate that into how you talk to others.

I wish it was easy to change an entire culture to foster an environment where people can be more open and vulnerable but we can start in our own homes.